Which is better to fall in love or to fall out of it?

Which makes you a bigger fool?

Let me cast my inquiries to the Void and continue my self-scrutiny, my assay to my own soul until all cause of this heaviness, of this weariness that slowly depletes and consumes my cause to live, be laid out like a butcher gutting the innards, the entrails of his dead swine.

It has been three months now since I fell into it. Yes! It was the most wonderful Flying Fiesta ride for me. It was so pleasant to my senses and yes, my sensibilities. Oh how I wish that it could go on -- the gentle but thrilling lift off… the feel of your body taken up into boundless bliss… that’s being in LOVE. One becomes foolish enough to delve into the uncertainness of risking yourself yet at the same time you are certain enough that despite of the outcome, you will gain something worthy of all the possible pain.

Although sometimes not…

I loved him and hoped that he loved me too.

The hope was great enough to sustain me for that long… then, I guess not all hopes are realized and so when that hits you, you have to halt.

Like all rides. The whistle was blown.

It took me three months to realize that I’ve turned myself into the worst act of the CiRcUs ClOwNs. But I got a laugh at least. And what better way to cope with something you know will turn out quite shoddily.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Then I saw myself trudge out of the temporary Insanity Ville I resided in for sometime.

Oh! The different coping mechanisms one must take to survive a tragedy. The various insufferable reasoning, ranting… the harangue you take from people and from yourself. Oh, such agony!

Then a moment comes when you look in the mirror and you suddenly see a clown in front of you. (Not Stephen King’s IT—oh No!). Just a clown who kinda looks like yourself. Red nose, colored kinky hair, the works. Then the clown in the mirror laughs at you. It actually laughs at you. And again you get a good laugh at yourself...and then cry until there is no tomorrow (no hallucinogens taken I guarantee you)

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

This happens for quite some time. You notice yourself smile or cry silently over breakfast while other people are busily doing their morning routines obviously engrossed in their own world. Or when you are riding the bus going to work… Or when you are watching TV with your siblings and a commercial about couples splitting up looms in front of you (personal reruns are then NOW SHOWING in your head) and sometimes when you are in Church.

It actually happens in the most inappropriate places when you are not alone and when you are.

Fool… what a fool. You get used to it. And then the mirth/wretchedness/LOONity (hehehe) ends.

Perhaps I have not come into terms with it yet. Because I am quite uncertain how I should look at the experience. It brought both pain and bliss. Which was more? It barely matters. I believe.

In which circumstance was I more of a fool?

Which was better for me to fall in or out of it?

The endless inquiries… once again left to the dark Void.